


Blue Notebook

by Lia_tsc



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, It’s literally just angst, M/M, Magnus remembering his husband, but it’s really good I promise, immortality has me shook and sounds horrible, it’s really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 20:39:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18902248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lia_tsc/pseuds/Lia_tsc
Summary: “After Magnus and Alec got married, Magnus started writing down the things they did together in a blue notebook. He wrote down how they met, their ups and downs in that first year. He wrote about their wedding, how the lights danced on the water, and about their sons. He enchanted the notebook to never fall apart or be ruined, so he could keep the memories that were dearest to him forever.“Now Magnus is alone, with only his blue notebook to help him remember those he once loved more than anything.





	Blue Notebook

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading some angsty fics and came up with my own, so here you go.
> 
> I might possibly continue this? Let me know what you think.

After Magnus and Alec got married, Magnus started writing down the things they did together in a blue notebook. He wrote down how they met, their ups and downs in that first year. He wrote about their wedding, how the lights danced on the water, and about their sons. He enchanted the notebook to never fall apart or be ruined, so he could keep the memories that were dearest to him forever.

Magnus wrote about the big moments in their son’s lives. When they got married, when Magnus and Alec became grandparents. Magnus wrote about the little moments throughout their relationship, from the big dates one of them planned, down to little jokes Alec randomly told Magnus when they were half asleep in the morning.

After Alec died, Magnus wrote down everything else he could remember about Alec. Tears streaming down his face onto his white suit he’d worn to the funeral, he recalled all of the moments his archer boy had shared with him. Magnus talks to Alec out loud sometimes while he’s writing, or just doing things around the house when he’s alone. He isn’t sure if Alec can hear him or not, but it’s comforting. He added more into the notebook after Rafe died, writing down the special moments they’d shared, how Rafe loved his brother more than anything, about his children who were as fierce Shadowhunters as him, about that time they’d tried to go on a family vacation but it had ended with an entire city block covered in ice cream and they’d had to portal home quickly to avoid getting into trouble. He wrote things about his grandchildren, too. And his great grandchildren. But they all died.

Magnus moves a couple times. He can’t live in New York anymore, with all the memories, and his Alec gone.

Magnus doesn’t look at the notebook again.

It must have gotten lost somewhere around two hundred and four hundred years without Alec.

After Magnus has lived close to a thousand years without Alec, he can barely remember him. He knows he loved him, more than anything in the world, after all, he still wears white for him, even after all these years. He remembers Alec had blue eyes… but what shade? He had black hair, Magnus thinks. How many siblings did he have? Magnus remembers their sons, Max Michael and Rafael Santiago, but he can’t remember the names of his grandchildren or his friends’ children. He does remember that his Alec and his friends were heroes.

He can remember their wedding, it was in Los Angeles. He can’t remember how they met, though he racks his brain for weeks. All he can recall is being stunned by Alec’s beauty.

Magnus knows he ought to remember, for Alec, the Shadowhunter he loved more than anyone.

After Catarina dies, Magnus, as her last living friend, looks through her things and finds something he thought he’d lost years ago.

It’s a blue notebook.

Magnus remembers writing in this notebook, all those years ago. He remembers how he wrote about Alec, their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Magnus spends days pouring over everything in the notebook, trying to see everything he wrote about in his mind’s eye until he is sure he remembers everything about Alec. He’s taken to talking to Alec out loud again, something he hasn’t done for several hundred years. He remembers his archer boy, the one person he loved more than anyone else in the world. He’s happy, or as happy as he can he, living in his house by himself with the memory of his Alec. Occasionally, when he feels like he forgot a certain thing that Alec said, or who was at Rafe’s wedding, he’ll look in the notebook again, and smile at the memory.

It works. For a while.

Magnus keeps talking to Alec. He’s certain that he can hear him, somehow, somewhere. Maybe his sister is there, too, and they’re watching him with the rest of their family, smiling.

Magnus is alone in the world. He doesn’t know what happened to Max or Ragnor. He’s tried to contact them a couple times in the last century, since getting Alec back in the best way he can, but he can’t find them.

Magnus continues to wear white for his Alec, his sons, and his best friends.

“I can’t deal with this anymore!” He shouts one day, to no one. He doesn’t want to live with this, this grief, this pain. He’s angry. Why him?

Magnus destroys the book.

He rips out everything, page by page. He doesn’t use magic because it’s satisfying to feel the tearing of the paper and to know that he’s getting rid of this book that in his eyes at that moment is holding him back.

He’ll regret it in the morning.

He does regret it.

He sees the torn up papers on the ground, everything that he’s worked so hard to write down for hundreds of years.

He doesn’t fix it.

Magnus puts the scraps of the notebook in a box, and locks it away so he’ll never have to look at it. He considers just destroying it completely, but something is stopping him.

He doesn’t open the box again.

“I’m sorry, Alec,” he says, but he keeps talking to Alec. He keeps wearing white.

After thousands of years without Alec, the world is unrecognizable. Magnus himself is nearly unrecognizable. He always imagined living hundreds of years without Alec, knew it would be painful, but imagined he’d die someday. He didn’t imagine this, somehow he’s been fortunate enough to live thousands of years. After thousands of years without Alec, Magnus stands in his kitchen.

“I’m scared, Alec,” he whispers. “The world isn’t anything like it used to be. I’ve lived in this house for so long, not going out, that I probably don’t even know what it’s like…” he trails off. The tears are starting to run down his cheeks. “I don’t know if I want to be here anymore. I know I’ve told you that before but now… it’s so lonely. Alec, be glad you weren’t immortal. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…” 

Even after all these years, he still talks to Alec. It doesn’t happen as often, though. He doesn’t feel many emotions anymore, but when he remembers how lonely he is struck by such a painful grief he isn’t sure he can go on. Magnus needs to talk to someone, anyone. Sometimes he wonders if this Alec he talks to ever really existed.

Some days he can almost convince himself that Alec is a figment of his imagination, just a name for a god he prays to. Maybe he’s just going crazy, after all, he’s lived thousands of years on his own.

But something keeps him from totally dismissing this Alec.

Some days he can almost picture someone, a man. He’s only a shadow, but he has the most beautiful blue eyes Magnus has ever seen. He knows that he loved Alec, more than anything. He remembers other people, their family, but he doesn’t remember names, or faces, or numbers. He still wears white for those he loved.

Magnus wanders through the house. There are no pictures, they’ve all fallen apart or been lost or destroyed. He thinks about moving again, away from this place he’s lived in for so long. Magnus knows that he used to move so often, and he has, even since Alec died, he moved several times, but he’s spent the last few thousand years here, in the middle of nowhere.

Magnus begins to take down the glamours on his home, wondering where he can go, until he takes down one he didn’t know was there. There’s a box there.

Inside are crumpled and torn papers that look like they haven’t seen the light of day in forever.

Curious, Magnus uses his magic to repair it to its original state.

It’s a blue notebook.

Magnus opens it to the first page. It’s written in his hand, and he can tell the writing is definitely his. He can almost remember writing this down, but not quite.

He reads the whole thing in one day. It’s about his Alec. They had two sons together, Magnus learns. Their names almost ring a bell. Max Michael and Rafael Santiago. He reads about their wedding, how they met, how they adopted both of their sons, and the stories of their family, of Isabelle, Simon, Clary, Jace. And their children.

All of the words are written with a fondness that Magnus hasn’t felt in years. So this is why he still wears white. It feels good to know who Alec was, that he was real. It feels like he’s unlocked a part of himself that’s been closed off for so long. He understands. 

“I must have really loved you, Alec.”


End file.
